April 1st, 2014 – Cupertino, CA. “Our 10% share of any deal discussed using an iPhone has been clearly spelled out on the 837th screen of our license agreement since January 1st, as is our right to record all iPhone calls for purposes of enforcing this provision,” is the first sentence of the letter Apple has sent today to an estimated 31,778,000 iPhone users ranging from a Fortune 100 CEO in New York City to a hotdog stand owner in Peoria, Illinois. Most iPhone users have their phone linked to their Apple ID so their credit card was charged automatically via the Apple Store, unless the charge exceeded their credit card maximum. Other users received an invoice for their first-quarter revenue split. According to Apple, the iDeal charges ranged from $1.37 for a babysitter in Indiana to tens of millions of dollars for several Fortune 100 company CEOs and prominent Silicon Valley VCs, all of whom asked not to be named.

The Apple service was immediately dubbed “iVig” by surprised and angry consumers, many of whom said they had considered switching to a Blackberry device until they actually tried using one.

Apple CEO Tim Cook defended the service, citing not only that the iPhone user agreement explicitly opts-in all iPhone users “it’s right there in plain black and white if you just scroll down a little ways”, but adding “iDeal is a perfectly logical extension of our deathgrip on any and all transactions that occur within the Apple ecosystem. This should surprise no one.” Cook also noted that 23% of Apple’s iDeal receipts will go to the NSA “per terms of a joint venture wherein certain NSA tools are used to automate the process of tallying amounts owed from phone call recordings, giving our customers the seamless experience they’ve come to expect from Apple products.”


April 1st, 2014 – Seattle, WA. In other news today, an estimated 37% of the world’s websites went dark at 12:01 this morning when Amazon suddenly withdrew from the web hosting business. In a tersely worded statement emailed to all Amazon Web Services customers, company CEO Jeff Bezos explained that “Since our acquisition of Zappos in 2009, it’s become increasingly apparent this web thing is actually more of a fad, whereas tangible products like shoes are here to stay.” The statement also noted that all (former) AWS customers would receive a free Amazon Prime membership for 3 months “to offset any inconvenience.”