There’s a lot of snark this week about ways Biden could seize upon the Supreme Court’s unconstitutional grant of immunity to presidents… comments such as “Biden should send Seal Team 6 to Maralago then” (predictably, uttered on the X cesspool).

Biden, of course, would not do that.

Yet the 4th of July seems like an appropriate day to speculate: WHAT IF Biden decided to use our current flirtation with gutting the norms of democracy as a “teachable moment”? Perhaps it might go something like this:

  • Jul 10, 2024, noon EST - President Biden, in an official act, outlines his plan for “Temporary American Sample Experimental Dictatorship” (TASED), explaining that roughly 50% of American voters seem “way too comfortable” with the concept of a dictatorship, so he is using newly-immune office of the Presidency to “give Americans a wee taste what that is” so they “can reconsider if they really want to screw up the democracy that made America great”.
  • July 10, 2024, 1pm EST - President Biden issues an executive order that effective immediately all Presidential Executive Orders now have the force of law and are henceforth known as Presidential Decrees.
  • July 10, 2024, 2pm EST - President Biden issues a Presidential Decree that requires the President of the USA be referred to as His/Her/They/Them(etc) Excellency.
  • July 10, 2024, 2:05pm EST - His Excellency Biden issues a Presidential Decree that “temporarily defers” any further presidential elections until an indefinite date.
  • July 10, 2024, 3pm EST - His Excellency Biden issues his “Clean House 24” Presidential Decree ordering a special “snap” federal election on Nov 5, encompassing ALL senate and house seats (not only seats previously slated for reelection this year).
  • July 10, 2024, 3:30pm EST - His Excellency Biden, wearing sunglasses, issues a Presidential Decree to modify his 2pm decree and now requires the President of the USA be referred to as His/Her/They/Them(etc) Dark Excellency.
  • July 10, 2024, 4pm - His Dark Excellency Biden, in an official act, instigates via Presidential Decree an immediate 5 year supermax prison sentence and immediate and permanent expulsion for “treason and gross dereliction of their sworn duty” of all 147 house members who objected to certifying the 2020 election results.
  • July 10, 2024, 4:05pm EST - When confronted by states that suddenly find themselves without any representation in the House, His Dark Excellency Biden, wearing dark sunglasses, urges voters in those states to “do better” when they vote in November “because if you keep voting for traitors I can keep this up indefinitely.”
  • July 11, 2024, 9am EST - His Dark Excellency Biden issues two Presidential Decrees to a) outlaw any stock trading by members of of the house or senate or their staff, b) “repatriate” 100% of all stock market gains earned by past/present members of the senate or house during the prior 15 years.
  • July 11, 2024, 9:05am EST - When asked why he waited a day for these two decrees instead of including them in the July 10 onslaught of decrees, His Dark Excellency Biden removed his sunglasses, paused, and scornfully replied “C’mon man, I’m getting older and I can only type so fast.”
  • July 11, 2024, 4pm EST - His Dark Excellency Biden downgrades by decree the prison sentences of 147 former house members (ordered 24 hours earlier) to “only 3 years and only a medium security prison, I was just screwing with those yahoos about that whole supermax thing because I can. They wanted a dictator, they got a dictator.”
  • July 15, 2024, 3pm EST - His Dark Excellency Biden publicly congratulates Russian President Putin for “finally seeing the light, causing Russia to withdraw completely from Ukraine and pay $500 Billion in reparations, also surrendering all of his personal bank accounts to the Ukrainian Treasury, and retiring from public life to live on his modest government pension in his one remaining Dacha (a smaller one not demolished by Seal Team Six).”
  • August 4, 2024, 2pm EST - By unanimous votes in the diminished senate and house, the constitutional amendment is passed banning social media sites from, among other things, deploying any type of algorithm to promote or prioritize the visibility of content. Opting-in to clearly labeled categories such as “cat videos” is permitted, and exclusion by default any content not originated by friends or friends-of-friends must be honored.
  • August 6, 2024, 5pm EST - By unanimous votes in the diminished senate and house, the “Kiss That Lifetime Bullshit Goodbye, Scrotus” constitutional amendment is passed specifying a 20 year Term Limit and an age limit of 69 are imposed upon all members of the executive and legislative and judiciary branches, effective immediately (except the office of the presidency which becomes effective Dec 31, 2024). The door hit him in the ass on his way out as Clarence “Coke Can” Thomas stopped to pontificate about what he termed another high-tech lynching.
  • August 7, 2024, 5pm EST - Also passed unanimously in the diminished senate and house was the “Rue the Day You Lied about Roe, Scrotus” constitutional amendment enshrining Roe v Wade and terminating the tenure of the mendacious Supreme Court Justices who, when asked about Roe during their appointment hearings, misled congress about their true intentions by asserting “Roe is established precident”.
  • August 8, 2024, 5pm EST - Also passed unanimously in the diminished senate and house was the “Stop the Scrotus Sale of Democracy” constitutional amendment negating Citizens United, eliminating corporate and SUPERPAC donations, and strictly limiting political donations to $1000 per individual, while sanctioning each of the Justices who affirmed that decision 12 months’ pay for “just making shit up about the constitution to the detriment of the democratic process”.
  • August 9, 2024, 5pm EST - Also passed unanimously in the diminished senate and house was the “You Had Your Chance so Now We’ll Do It For You, Scrotus” constitutional amendment setting the size of the Supreme Court to 17 and imposing a “zero tolerance” ethics code forbidding acceptance of any gifts or donations, to be enforced by the Attorney General who is authorized to disbar Justices who are found guilty of violating the Ethics Code.

  • November 6, 2024, noon EST - An all-new senate and all-new congress are sworn in.

  • November 7, 2024, noon EST - By unanimous vote in the senate, the filibuster is eliminated, and the unanimous consent rule is renamed the “Almost Unanimous Consent” rule which now requires 5 senators to hold up military appointments and other such matters typically handled by unanimous consent. And by unanimous vote, the action by Biden to expel permanently the 147 traitorous former house members is ratified in both the house and senate.
  • November 7, 2024, 3pm EST - By unanimous votes in the senate and house, a constitutional amendment is passed declaring no one is above the law, including the President of the United States, who cannot pardon himself, and that the July 1, 2024 Supreme Court decision on presidential immunity is declared “null, void, and patently antithetical to the principles of the United States Constitution”.
  • November 8, 2024, noon EST - His Dark Excellency Biden issues an Executive Order terminating as of today all his prior executive orders from July 10 and gives a short speech noting “My work here is done, now I expect congress to do the right thing and depose the dictator”.
  • November 12, 2024, noon EST - By unanimous votes in the senate and house, President Biden is impeached for “subversion of democracy”. By a 90% vote, a resolution is also passed thanking President Biden for “throwing himself on his figurative sword via his highly unorthodox yet largely successful efforts to flush the toxic sludge that had accumulated in congress and the Supreme Court.”
  • November 12, 2024, 2pm EST - In his “Well let’s hope we learned something, America” resignation speech former President Joe Biden notes “I hated to go the ‘tough love’ route even for a few months, but it was my duty as your President to get America back on track. I told you all along I would be a one-term transitional president.”

  • November 13, 2024, noon EST - By unanimous vote in a detoxed senate and house, a presidential election is re-scheduled for March 4, 2025. “BETTER LATE NOW THAN NEVER AGAIN” read the NYTimes front page headline.